‘Pinocchio’ Is a Soulless Monstrosity That Trades Dreams for Nightmares
Unlike the frequent chatter on the Twittersphere, I don’t actually hate most of Disney’s live-action adaptations. Cinderella is a masterpiece, Beauty and the Beast is a delight, and Mulan brought honor to the story, but I do draw a hardline in the sand with Lion King, which was ultimately a one-for-one recreation without any of the charm. Somehow, the monstrosity that is the live-action Pinocchio made me wish I was watching Lion King instead. At least Lion King wasn’t utterly soulless and devoid of what made it an instant hit with 90s kids and new generations alike.
Geppetto is such a loveable character, which would seem like a shoe-in for Tom Hanks—a man who has maintained a high degree of lovability throughout his career—but his performances lacks the spark that he’s brought to films like A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. And perhaps to some degree the fault lies with a production that has left so much of its humanity and soul to interactions with figments of CGI imagination. Hanks thrives on human interactions and it's impossible to find that connection when acting opposite creations birthed by post-production.
It’s easy to take potshots at the CGI of Pinocchio, which is ultimately to the detriment of the VFX artists who labor away under gruelling non-unionized conditions (a fact that was not lost on me when I watched this on Labor Day), but it’s not so much the CGI that I take issue with, as it is the decision to utilize CGI to such grotesque extremes. Why transform the adorable and precocious Figaro into a CGI abomination that looks less like a cat than the cast of Tom Hooper’s Cats? His interactions with Geppetto feel more hollow than Pinocchio’s head, making it apparent that Hanks was left to prance around and pet an inanimate object filling in as an animal actor. But the faux feline was far less offensive than the fluttering lashes and kissy lips of the goldfish Cleo. Yes, she’s an oddly sexualized fish in the animated film, but that somehow isn’t quite as foul as when Hanks is hauling around a pretty little fish in a fish bowl in the pouring rain.
Courtesy of Disney+
Despite the grim outlook of this film, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is quite delightful as Pinocchio’s conscience Jiminy Cricket, acting as something of a narrator, guiding the audience through the perils and pitfalls of Pinocchio’s venture into boyhood. His chosen accent for the character takes a few minutes to get used to, but once you settle into it, it’s the least offensive aspect of the family-friendly feature. Instead, nightmarish offenses are reserved for Keegan-Michael Key’s frightful fox Honest John and Luke Evans’s creepy coachman luring children to the lavish and insidious Pleasure Island. Readers, we must unite to break the curse that Disney has clearly trapped Luke Evans in. It’s all been downhill since he gave us Gaston. At least Cynthia Erivo shows up to sing the iconic melody of The Blue Fairy. I only wish that this wasn’t the wish that was granted. In another magic-filled world, perhaps there’s a better version of this cautionary tale. One whose horror is purposeful and not the byproduct of misplaced intentions.
With conversations yet again swirling about Hollywood’s obsession with fat suits and its villainization of heavier set characters, it’s hard not to wonder why Disney didn’t look to correct the characterization of Stromboli (Giuseppe Battiston), instead of padding him up and making him the butt of the joke when he stumbles and his weight causes him to break a lever. After all, he’s a cruel, monstrous man who keeps Pinocchio in a cage! It’s increasingly frustrating that Disney doesn’t look to make tactful changes to the source material when they’re given an opportunity to. Instead they make subtle changes and expect accolades for those choices.
Disney also uses Pinocchio to soft launch what I assume to be the next exclusive high-end merchandise coming to ShopDisney someday soon. Geppetto’s beautifully crafted cuckoo clocks are all cheekily playing homage to Disney’s films. Snow White, Lion King, Donald Duck, and even Who Framed Roger Rabbit prance out on the hour. They’re not quite cameos, but their inclusion is aggressively on the nose, suggesting that we’ve passed the point of no return. Gone are the days where Disney Easter Eggs are familiar faces attending weddings, lion rugs, and Pizza Planet. But these references aren’t even the most egregious inclusions, no, the painfully unfunny “Chris Pine” comment takes top spot.
Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, and Mulan are proof that Disney can reinvent beloved stories for new audiences seeking joy in live-action, but then atrocious films like Dumbo and Pinocchio arrive to remind us that not all live-actions are created equal. Some are shaped into soulless farces, stripping away the magic and beauty and twisting it into a nightmare of uncanny valleys, horrendous garish sequences, and drivel masquerading as soul-stirring stories.
Courtesy of Disney+
What’s infuriating about Pinocchio is the fact that on paper, it should work beautifully. The film’s director, Robert Zemeckis, has given us black comedies like Death Becomes Her and classics like Forrest Gump. It could have easily been a Kenneth Branagh and Cinderella scenario, but instead the humanity that is so ingrained in Zemeckis’ live-action work, the film comes utterly empty-handed. This is a man who is considered an innovator within the visual effects community—the man who revolutionized motion capture performances with Hanks in The Polar Express and delivered spooky joy with Monster House. But there are only hollow echoes of that joy and awe in Pinocchio.
Perhaps I’m being harsh, but, after all, Pinocchio is all about learning not to tell lies. To praise this film in any real capacity would be a disservice to what I stand for. The Golden Age of animation deserves better than Tom Hanks tottering around Italy looking for his lost wooden boy, because it’s not a charming wooden puppet he’s searching for, it’s a dreadful creation that will never feel his touch.
Final Verdict: D-
Pinocchio is streaming on Disney+ on Friday.
